Anger

Anger is a funny beast.  It does different things to different people and different things set off people differently.

When I was a little kid, I used to clean my room furiously when I was angry.  Shoot, I used anger in this way through my 20s.  Anger also makes me cry — it’s usually the frustration that brings the tears.  Different things make me angry these days than when I was little.  I might have been compelled to sort through the shoes and clothes under my bed back then if I was told I couldn’t go to a friend’s house or couldn’t watch the movie I wanted to watch. 

These days it takes much more to make me truly angry.  Now I find myself becoming angry because the 3rd family member (and 5th person I know personally in total) in the last 5 years has been diagnosed with cancer.  I find myself becoming angry when conversations are held around me rather than with me – why not just ask me what’s going on rather than a third part?  I become angry when I feel a grave injustice has occurred in my workplace (though I try to keep my tongue tied there.) I become angry when I realize I’ve allowed someone to walk all over me again without standing up for myself.

I’m not a physically angry person.  I’m classified as an introvert so I don’t find myself becoming terribly loud or combative.  I tend to stew about things and stewing usually leads to eating.  The last couple of years I have found that I eat my feelings.  Today it was fast food for lunch.  I don’t even remember what the fries tasted like.  I wish I still had the motivation to clean when angry.  My closets could use a good sorting and my butt could go without the extra padding.

Nothing special

My internet was out for the last week or so and I had all these grand things to write about.  Now that the tech guy has come and gone and my internet connection is restored, I cannot remember anything I was going to write about.

Hmm.

Well, I can tell you that I only have 7 days of summer school left to teach.  Whoo hoo!  Truly, I don’t think I’ll be doing this next year.  Maybe a half session but not the whole session.  Even though I’ll have 4 weeks off until the next school year, I’m starting to wonder if that will be enough time.  I know some people will say I’m lucky to get ANY time off but here’s the thing: I earned every single second of my winter, spring and summer breaks through late nights, stressed days and disturbed sleep. That being said, I wonder if I’ll change my mind once I see my July and August paychecks. 

In other news… Well, there isn’t any other news.  Except that it’s super hot here in the valley (although this week has been remarkably cool (95ish) for July and I’m thankful that I’m getting out of town this weekend to someplace considerably cooler – I’m packing a sweatshirt!) 

Stay cool out there!  Enjoy your summer.  I know I will be in about 8 days. 

Random Friday

TGIF my friends!  Even though I had a short week this week, I need my weekend quick.

Oh.  I should probably tell you why I had short week. 

Last Thursday (a week from yesterday), I drove over to Santa Clara to stay the night and fly out of Oakland Friday morning.  Where did I fly to?  To Boise!  To help Jenn celebrate her 30th birthday of course.  (Keep watching her blog for pictures because I’m a ding dong and didn’t take very many.)  Jenn and I haven’t seen each other in 2 years but it was like we’d just had lunch yesterday.  We email and text every day – seeing each other while having those conversations was like the icing on a cake – a birthday cake!    We ate and drank and ate some more all weekend until leaving on Tuesday afternoon.  I was home early Wednesday afternoon giving me a full week of vacation time.  Happy 30th, Jenn!  It was a great time with great friends… I didn’t want it to end. 

And now my Friday is here and while I’m back in the heat of the valley while Jenn is back in Boise, I’m looking forward to a hard workout at the gym (punishment), dipping myself into my family’s saltwater pool while sipping a deliciously cool glass of crisp wine with my friend, B, this afternoon.  Vacations have to end but the fun doesn’t have to stop!

Tardy to the Party

Technically, I hit four years of blogging in May.  But things were a tad crazy around here in May (final exams, cleaning up my room, wondering if I would have a job in the fall) so I missed my own blogiversary party. 

I thought it would be appropriate to take a look at the first post I ever wrote on AKnittedFrenzy:

Here I am!

May 10, 2005 by Kimberly S | Edit  

My plan for this blog is for it to be an outlet for me while going through this marital separation. I need to be able to “get things out” without necessarily harping on and on to my friends and family who, are very supportive by the way, but may not always want to listen to me. So I will harp to the outer-limits of the internet.

Yes, I am separated from my husband. We’ve been married less than two years. He committed infidelity but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He thinks the credit card debt (that, yes, I ran up… buying things we needed for the house, for HIM while he was changing jobs 4 times in the span of our marriage…) is a much bigger problem. I am not disputing that I used the credit cards.

But carrying on an online affair before and after our wedding for months with a woman that I’m not convinced he didn’t meet in person because she only lives 30 minutes away isn’t a big deal? Preceeding finding all of the emails and dirty conversations, I received an “anonymous” phone call 6 months into our marriage from a woman that said she’d been having an affair with my husband since before the wedding. hmmm

Cheating/infidelity is a deal breaker and I told him that before we got married. I’ve been cheated on in every relationship I’ve had (serious relationship) since the age of 16. Sad, isn’t it? I thought I had found one that was different, that really was loyal and trust-worthy.

I’m going to have a tee-shirt made that says, “Cheaters stay away!” Because the one that says “Cheaters, here I am!” is worn out.

Venting to the cyberworld was definitely the premise of my blog just four short years ago.  I did a tremendous amount of venting since then even though the last year or so has seen me slow down on the keyboard.  I did include a number of knitting related posts but not until months of venting were already underway.

While I still believe I have a cheater magnet in my head, I am trying to change that.  One thing I have learned along the way (one of the many things really) is that I, for some reason, do not believe I deserve a nice guy.  Something in me tells me that I do not deserve someone that is nice, thoughtful, caring or sweet.  I do not deserve to have doors opened for me, my hand held or my shoulders rubbed.  I do not deserve someone that will listen to my vents at the end of the day over a glass of wine or dinner being cooked.  I do not deserve togetherness or comfort.  I do not deserve my birthday to be remembered, celebrated or considered.  I do not deserve compliments, kisses goodbye or random hugs.  Why I believe this, I do not know.  But I am trying to change this thought process because attracting losers is tiresome.  Being with someone with a heart is stepping outside the box for me, makes my palms sweat and my walls go up.  I know, I know.  But I’m trying.  At least I am trying.  How long it takes before I am with a nice guy only time will tell.  But at least I can see it as a possible possibility now.

Progress.  That’s really all I have to say about my four year blogiversary. 

 

Words of a Rookie Teacher

Ok. I realize that I am a rookie teacher. I realize that what I know about teaching could fit into my pocket at this point in my career. I realize that I will look back on my first year of teaching in a few decades and possibly laugh at myself.

That being said, when did it become ok to tell students that they are lazy? When did it become ok to tell kids that they might as well drop out because they will never succeed academically? What gives a teacher the right to belittle and breakdown their students?

I started teaching summer school today. There is (in my humble opinion) an infinitely different attitude with my summer school students as compared to my school year students. They walk in broken and negative. Not negative toward school, per se, but negative toward themselves. They believed themselves to be failures before they walked in my door because they have not passed English previously. They expect to fail again.

Since I started the session off without textbooks, I decided a writing assignment was the way to go today. The topic? Why they are in summer school. One, I want to know why in their words, words they would probably never speak out loud. And two, I need to see what level their writing is at so far. In walking around the room, I noticed several common factors among the majority of my students:

*At some point, a teacher told them they were lazy/stupid.

*The student believed it.

My heart broke today every time I heard, “Well, I failed this class before because I can’t write an essay/don’t get symbolism/etc.” I was actually speechless once I realized the trend amongst my two classes. Perhaps I am naive, perhaps I am idealistic but how can we as educators expect excellence from our students when they are broken down right in front of us and/or broken down because of us? How can a teacher say, “You are lazy” because a student asks a question or needs clarification on an assignment? Isn’t that what we are supposed to do? Clarify, simplfy, make the lesson understandable for the student? Teaching is not handing a student a book, saying, “Read” and walking away. Teaching involves equipping the student with a set of tools to break down the text to understand it. And quite often, teaching involves breaking down the text for the student to simply reach understanding. Teaching involves correction and redirection so that the student is going down the right path and not wandering off to get lost in the woods. I fear too many of my students wandered off and no one bothered to find them.

You know that saying, “It takes more muscles to frown than to smile?” Well, it takes more energy to break a student down with negativity than to build them up with encouragement. At least, that’s what I think. What I think may not hold much water with anyone reading this and that’s ok. This is probably the most poorly concluded piece I’ve written but I’m at a loss. I’m befuddled and disheartened. I do not want my students to be academically disadvantaged, at least, not in my class. Something needs to change. Being lost in the woods is not an option. I believe my summer school kids realize this and know that they must pass this class. Their essays, in some way, subconsciously sent up a flare, calling for help. The trick is getting to them before the forest is set on fire.

Today

Today marks 10 days until school is out. I’m trying to finish up my final exams to turn into my admin and get the last of the grading done before finals. Many of my seniors will be on the traditional Disneyland Grad Night trip today and tomorrow.

Today is also the day that I’m supposed to find out what’s happening with my job. Even though I didn’t get a pink slip in March, I’m still temporary and my vp told me last week that due to the current budget situation, I should probably start looking around. I knew I was at the top of the list because of my status but when I didn’t receive a pink slip OR a temp release letter, I thought I was safe. Not so, apparently. But I do have friends that don’t want me to go and have been putting bugs in ears over the last week. I can only wait to see what comes of that today.

It’s that time

It’s awards season at our high school.  Last night I presented two awards to two senior students of mine.  They’re hardworking, smart and fun.  They’re the students I love to see in the morning and wish my other students were more like sometimes.  I teared up a little when I presented them to our cafeteria full of parents and other lovely nominees.  Though neither of my students won the “Student of the Year” award, I think they were happy to just be nominated.

It is also time for Senior Ditch Day tomorrow.  I wonder how many of my students will show up?

Sunday Morning

It’s Sunday morning. I have my coffee, a WIP on my lap and all the doors/windows open to let in fresh air. Except for working on the WIP and going to to a birthday dinner tonight, I don’t have plans for today. I’m glad. I might work on some scrapbooking pages, I might sort through more clothes to give away and I might go to the gym. All those “maybes” depend on what I feel like doing today. Right now, it’s coffee and one WIP. Happy Sunday! Hope yours is relaxing as well.

Home Again

I spent the last four days in Santa Clara with my FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America) students.  This past weekend was their state competition and sadly, we didn’t bring home any wins.  But I have a feeling it was the shove they needed to gear up for next year.  Too many of them thought they could do it without studying and were proven wrong.  A few did study hard and their hearts were broken by the big schools.  Next year, we’ll be up on that stage for sure.  As a first year adviser, it was an experience for me as well.  I do not stay up late so the midnight and 1 a.m. curfews killed me.  I slept until a few minutes before curfew, did bed check and then crashed again.  I wouldn’t be surprised if I contract a cold from the poor sleep I had this weekend.  Also, I was picked to proctor one of the events and it was not planned or organized in a conducive manner – at least, it left this newbie feeling very stupid and green.  Not a  good feeling.  But we all know a little bit more for next year and hopefully things will run a little bit more smoothly.

Speaking of smooth, I’m hoping these last few weeks of school go that way.  This upcoming week our school will continue our state testing.  So I don’t count this week as a school week – very little will be accomplished during our shortened classes after testing with so many of my students not even bothering to show up (i.e. seniors.)  Last week, only 24 of my 38 students in 3rd period were present.  May is only four weeks long and the first week in June is all finals.  So technically, we only have one more month left.  One. More. Month!  I am burned out.  Burned to a crisp.  This first year has literally flown by and I feel like I’m a completely different teacher than I was last August.  My evaluations and observations by my higher-ups show that I’ve made progress and I’m happy to be returning to campus this August.

But I’m even happier that the school year is almost over. 

Day tripping

I FINALLY made it to Yosemite yesterday with my brother and sister in law (and their friends that I didn’t take any pictures of because I was so focused on my cutie-patootie nephew):

 

I honestly do not know what he was making that face at… he might have been talking… 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was also busy taking shots like these:

 

 

My brother showed me a few things about my fancy camera so now I feel I can take a cool shot every now and again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love this one.  They’re both smiling!  What a daddy’s boy. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We saw bears.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lolo, Drew and I.  Daddy was taking the picture so that’s where big D wanted to be… with Daddy in his backpack.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This might be my Christmas card photo this year… I’m hoping to have enough time to actually make them this year, unlike last year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

We picked an incredibly busy day to go to the park as there were cars and people everyone.  Ironically, it was Earth Day.   Nevertheless, I managed to snag a few fun pictures and spend some time with my brother, Lolo and nephew – always a good time.  I bought an annual pass so I plan to head up again to the park soon when there aren’t so many people… perhaps a Friday mental health day is in my immediate future…

33 school days and counting