Technically, I hit four years of blogging in May. But things were a tad crazy around here in May (final exams, cleaning up my room, wondering if I would have a job in the fall) so I missed my own blogiversary party.
I thought it would be appropriate to take a look at the first post I ever wrote on AKnittedFrenzy:
Here I am!
May 10, 2005 by Kimberly S | Edit
My plan for this blog is for it to be an outlet for me while going through this marital separation. I need to be able to “get things out” without necessarily harping on and on to my friends and family who, are very supportive by the way, but may not always want to listen to me. So I will harp to the outer-limits of the internet.
Yes, I am separated from my husband. We’ve been married less than two years. He committed infidelity but he doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He thinks the credit card debt (that, yes, I ran up… buying things we needed for the house, for HIM while he was changing jobs 4 times in the span of our marriage…) is a much bigger problem. I am not disputing that I used the credit cards.
But carrying on an online affair before and after our wedding for months with a woman that I’m not convinced he didn’t meet in person because she only lives 30 minutes away isn’t a big deal? Preceeding finding all of the emails and dirty conversations, I received an “anonymous” phone call 6 months into our marriage from a woman that said she’d been having an affair with my husband since before the wedding. hmmm
Cheating/infidelity is a deal breaker and I told him that before we got married. I’ve been cheated on in every relationship I’ve had (serious relationship) since the age of 16. Sad, isn’t it? I thought I had found one that was different, that really was loyal and trust-worthy.
I’m going to have a tee-shirt made that says, “Cheaters stay away!” Because the one that says “Cheaters, here I am!” is worn out.
Venting to the cyberworld was definitely the premise of my blog just four short years ago. I did a tremendous amount of venting since then even though the last year or so has seen me slow down on the keyboard. I did include a number of knitting related posts but not until months of venting were already underway.
While I still believe I have a cheater magnet in my head, I am trying to change that. One thing I have learned along the way (one of the many things really) is that I, for some reason, do not believe I deserve a nice guy. Something in me tells me that I do not deserve someone that is nice, thoughtful, caring or sweet. I do not deserve to have doors opened for me, my hand held or my shoulders rubbed. I do not deserve someone that will listen to my vents at the end of the day over a glass of wine or dinner being cooked. I do not deserve togetherness or comfort. I do not deserve my birthday to be remembered, celebrated or considered. I do not deserve compliments, kisses goodbye or random hugs. Why I believe this, I do not know. But I am trying to change this thought process because attracting losers is tiresome. Being with someone with a heart is stepping outside the box for me, makes my palms sweat and my walls go up. I know, I know. But I’m trying. At least I am trying. How long it takes before I am with a nice guy only time will tell. But at least I can see it as a possible possibility now.
Progress. That’s really all I have to say about my four year blogiversary.
